People are harder. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”“Men are like shoes. Good. You’ll never reach it.”“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”“I don’t want any yes-men around me.

Discover and share Keeping It Real Funny Quotes. Perhaps yours is watching television.”“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. You can't do any business from there." I hate everyone equally." It is already tomorrow in Australia.”“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”“Money is not the most important thing in the world.

All Rights Reserved.“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”“Light travels faster than sound. It is hitting below the intellect.”“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. The just-misses. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”“I was married by a judge. "Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. It means liar."

Some made me laugh till tears ran—which then made me wonder if they were jokes? Very few people die past that age.”“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done.

But when I'm bad I'm better."

"When I'm good, I'm very good. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." And life is a little weird. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”“Don’t cry because it’s over. We’re glad you found them helpful!So many good ones to choose from for a party ! So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. In an internet age of carefully crafted images, authenticity seems a thing of the past. You made my day!

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.

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