If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. The same applies when you are stupid. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky GervaisBeing on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better. Bill MurrayIt’s hard to be an artist. Polish ProverbIf I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. But if you’re available, life gets huge. Jerry SeinfeldYou know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. George CarlinMost people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Mitch HedbergScientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. “Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Steven WrightI have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. —Stephen Hawking It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.

Groucho MarxI find television very educating. Fred AllenIf you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

That’s real beauty to me.

I realized that the other day inside my fort. Will FerrellWho was the greatest prostitute in history? "Luck is a dividend of sweat. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Jerry SeinfeldMen want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of You know the trouble with real life? Kevin Hart Your phone doesn’t suck. George CarlinIf you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. It’s all we’ve got. It doesn’t matter what that is. I wanted to make people happy.
That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Milton Berle When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance.

It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.Don’t text or twitter during the show. "The average man does not know what to do with his life yet wants another one which will last forever." But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
Commit yourself to an open mike night or write something and say you’re going to read it in public, but get in trouble. I’m really protective of my penis. I definitely want to contribute to that.

Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier. Ricky GervaisIf you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? I love being married. Zach GalifianakisI failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. George Bernard ShawGood humor is a tonic for mind and body. I am crazy. Not everyone has good taste. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. A few years later, he started his first website to share his passion for quotes.Maxime is a father of two and also loves running. Steve Martin You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. My schedule is already full. Joan Rivers Click to tweet


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