The very first one will say, ‘Jesus!

It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”“I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis.

Then quit. "Gosh, you really are like a diaper. Right now, you might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”“Men are like shoes.

It looks fun.”“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? '”“The world is a globe. Self absorbed and full of sh*t." "Jealousy is a rare disease that you get from acting nasty. you say well have of your beutie can be wiped off with a wet wipeAlthough, if I walked away, everyone will start calling me a loser and blah blah blahWhoever said that stepping on a Lego is tv's most painful thing in the world(to step on), has obviously never stepped on any sand spurs, or a fire ant bed......I find this really helpful- I hope you step on a lego without socks and turn into an amputee. Find more ways to say funny remark, along with related words, antonyms and example phrases at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. When not working on KIM, he enjoys traveling, poker, and anything related to crypto.Thanks for all those hilarious quotes. I realize I should spend much less time watching the news, and more time laughing.Thanks for the great selection of quotes, I needed to find my sense of humor after losing it.“[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot.” ~ Groucho MarxThank you so much for all the jokes!

VERY FUNNY!

Don't worry, credit will be given to all contributors! Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.Funny and witty responses to rude comments and mean people. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.”“Americans are incredibly inpatient. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”“Never have more children than you have car windows.”“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made.

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Women marry men with the hope they will change. The lesson is ‘never try. Find more similar words at wordhippo.com! The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”“I have not failed. They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”“Everyone has a purpose in life. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”“We are all here on earth to help others.

That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I have an idea for you to add saying this: (Wait until someone says a bad comment about you or someone) *Pull out a notebook and pretend to write some stuff, and they might ask what your doing* Oh, Hey, I didn't see you were here. Then I want to move in with them.”“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”“The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.”“If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.”“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”“I love being married. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand.

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